Born to Convenience: A Probing Look at Parenting from a Would-Be Dad

Co-workers at my new job have been probing my status. The main question has been “Do you have kids?” I do not. Then the next question comes: “Why not?” That interrogative is a fork in the road for me, one that I’ll spare the explanations here. But my common reply is, “Because I’m not married.” Usually, after my interlocutors get up off the floor, they learn more about the way I think and believe.

My answer gets all kinds of reactions: “Are you serious?” “It’s been a long time since I heard that answer!” “I just can’t wrap my mind around it”. I understand though because the assumptions in society today are to gratify instantly and give in to the barrage of sex-drenched messages; and to be a relatively young person not going that direction…well something must be wrong.

This is not my discussion however.

I find myself reeling at this type of questioning. I wonder, Isn’t the cart before the horse here? Why is marriage such a difficult concept? Couldn’t I be asked whether I was in a relationship? How do you assume kids of a mere acquaintance first?

But again, this is not my discussion.

The sanctity of parenting children is my discussion. I would like to have children one day and the notion is a deeply meaningful one. It makes me consider the necessary resources that would contribute to the security, well-being, and joy of that person, which I feel is a child’s ethical right. I guess what irks me about the questions I’ve been getting and the general tone in society toward raising kids is the sense of convenience having children serves. I chafe at parents who never get beyond their wishes for a child to their wishes for the child.

Have a child for what? To satisfy an inner need? To check it off of life’s list of things to do? Parenting is a profoundly enormous responsibility and investment; and I have witnessed it to be a difficult task in my own family. It is the parents’ obligation to map a plan for rearing their child and not to merely let it happen. To do any less is negligent and not loving because one day the parents will pass from the child’s life and all that will remain is the care that was shown to the child or lack thereof. I’m not sure if I am more shocked that high school students now conspire to get pregnant or that even stable two-parent families have lost their plan beneath all the goodies showered on their kids, or they just don’t have one.

None of us has asked to be here. We were all the surprise or plan of our parents. But planned or not the life of a father and mother alters dramatically to lead their child to full maturity. So I start now thinking about my responsibilities to teach and read to my children and provide them skills sets; to discipline them; to befriend and be transparent with them when childhood gives way to adulthood; to guide them into love; to offer them a spiritual heritage; to train them how to be socially adroit and financially savvy, healthy in their eating and strong in their work ethic, probing of their emotions and actions; and, most importantly, to be an example of quality character.

Can we not assume ethically that even a child would expect to enter this life with its basic needs met and having the fair chance to live well? I just think that if the answer is indeed “Yes”, then we bare and raise children for more than our own amenity. We raise them to their own independence and participation in the world. To lead them to the well-beaten path where they can find meaning and a tractable success is the parents’ joy.